Pickup no Jutsu
by sugoi-chan
Summary: The Five Worst Pickup Lines Naruto's Ever Heard. YAOI.
1. Part 1: Sasuke

**PICKUP NO JUTSU**

Part One: Sasuke

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Naruto was trying to dedicate all of his admittedly limited mental processes to enjoying the bowl of ramen in front of him. Unfortunately, a certain dark haired avenger was hovering behind him, making it very difficult. 

"Teme," he growled, slamming his chopsticks down, "Go away, or sit down and order a bowl!"

Reluctantly, Sasuke slid into the bar stool next to Naruto. "Tch, I just wanted to tell you that you smell, dobe ... let's go take a shower."

Naruto paused mid-slurp. The noodles hanging out of his mouth glistened like little tentacles, making Sasuke's mouth go dry. Bright blue eyes met black ones, and Sasuke could barely breathe. Had Naruto finally noticed ...?

"Eh?!" Naruto sucked the rest of the ramen in, and stared incredulously before breaking out into giggles. "Hahahahaha! I bet you didn't realize it, but that sounded really perverted, Sasuke-teme!"

Sasuke banged his head onto the table. Or he would have if there wasn't a steaming bowl of Ichiraku's finest miso directly in his forehead's trajectory. He was now covered in noodles. The soup plastered his award-winning hair down in ratty tendrils. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be, he mused morosely. Perhaps he should have just focused on hatred and revenge, like his mind told him to ... only, Naruto was like a bad case of diarrhea to him. He just couldn't hold those feelings in!

"Shut up," Sasuke spat bitterly, about to storm off broodily, but then a hand on the side of his face stopped him. Naruto was gazing at him in ... hunger?!

"Delicious," Naruto breathed huskily, and a little bit of drool escaped from the corner of his mouth. "_Sasuke_."

He leaned closer and closter, and Sasuke could feel his warm break puffing inches from his own mouth. Naruto moved upwards and ate the noodle that was dangled from Sasuke's hair down to his nose. "Tastes a bit like hairspray ... but not bad!"

Sasuke was going to chidori a certain blonde retard for playing with his Uchiha heart like this. "DOBE, YOU -"

It was then that he had a wonderful idea. They didn't call Sasuke a genius for nothing, after all. "Hey Naruto," Sasuke purred casually. "I bet you_ two_ bowls of ramen that my dick can't fit in your mouth."

"TWO?!" Naruto shouted joyously, his mind only picking up on the words 'bet' and 'ramen'. "You're on!"

* * *

NEXT PART: Hyuuga Neji! 


	2. Part 2: Neji

**PICKUP NO JUTSU**

Part Two: Neji

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Naruto was not having the best week. Sasuke had been trying to take the "team" out of_ teammates_ at all the opportune moments, and quite a few of the inopportune ones as well. Why did he always attract broody, emotionally-retarded shinobi instead of the confident, beautiful kunoichi he desired? He could never understand it. 

Fortunately for our bright-eyed hero, salvation from Sasuke's homoerotic intentions arrived in the form of one Hyuuga Neji grabbing him by the arm and yanking him into _Express for Ninja_ as he passed by. Sasuke stormed intensely past, thinking there was no way Naruto would voluntarily enter that store. The minx was probably using henge or something ... well, Sasuke was looking forward to giving his foxy little tease some "punishment". He activated his Sharingan and smirked dementedly as he continued his pursuit.

"Gosh, that was close," Naruto breathed in relief. "Thanks, Neji!"

"It was just destiny," Neji replied, trying to look nonchalant and failing. Understand, each clan of Konoha has a speciality. For example, the Inuzuka clan's keen sense of smell made wonderful trackers. The Hyuugas, on the other hand, were Fire Country's finest stalkers, and Neji was the best in 30 years, far surpassing whatever creepiness Hinata could muster up. Seasoned Byakugan users could count pubic hairs from a dozen yards away, not to mention locate and activate the 64 pleasure points each human had. Of course, Naruto, for reasons Neji had yet to fathom, had 128 ... Blood began to leak from Neji's left nostril as he giggled to himself.

It was around then that Naruto realized that Neji had yet to let go of his arm. He wasn't sure he was comfortable with the way Neji was looking at him - like he was the last cup noodle on the supermarket shelf or something! The older boy's name did mean _screw_. "Uh," he said eloquently. "So ... heh heh heh ... what's up, Neji?"

Neji adjusted his man-skirt, worried about what Naruto might be referring to. "I'm feeling quite wonderful ... now-that-you've-graced-me-with-your-presence-Naruto-kun." He whispered the last part in a rush. Hyuugas, while very attractive, were horrible at flirting. It had something to do with the law of equivalent exchange ... equivalent exchange and insanely good hair.

"Eh?" Naruto squinted uncertainly.

"Naruto ... the truth is ..." Neji's white eyes shifted from side to side. What should he say? How could he succeed where the Uchiha had failed? Sure, he was a better ninja, but 90 percent of a Hyuuga's most romantic relationships were strictly one-sided. When Hanabi tried to make the moves on Tenten with a "nice buns" comment, she'd been shot down like a wonky shuriken. "... my caged bird curse seal is giving me cancer. I have one month left to live before I'm fated to ..." he paused dramatically, his dark sheet of hair glimmering in synch with the sparkle of unshed tears in his eyes, "... _DIE_."

"WHAT?!" Naruto screamed in horror. "It can't be, Neji! Is there anyway to cure you?! Have you talked to Tsunade-baa-chan?! Surely there must be a way! Fight it, Neji - you control your own fate! My way of the ninja is to never give up, and I won't give up on you."

"Oh Naruto," Neji whispered, his heart fluttering at Naruto's words. "Even Hokage-sama is unable to change my tragic destiny. This foe is too great. All I want now ... is to not die before being intimate with the person I find most precious. That person is you, Naruto."

Naruto's perfect pink lips formed a little 'o'. "Neji, I -"

"Shhh." Neji pressed a finger to Naruto's mouth. "If you were a tear, I'd never cry again, no matter how much pain and darkness I suffered, just to make sure I'd never lose you ..." Then, he moved his finger and pressed his lips against Naruto's. Neji was a sloppy kisser, but Naruto didn't say anything - the boy was dying from cancer, after all, which made Naruto feel bad. Really bad! If he wanted to be worthy of the title of Hokage one day and serve the needs of all the people, he should at least be able to give a cancerous boy with a crippled forehead his dying wish. Right?

And so, that night, Naruto closed his eyes, spread his legs, and thought of Konoha.

* * *

NEXT PART: Legendary Sannin, Jiraiya! 

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews/favorites/alerts so far. :D They mean a lot to me! Just so y'all know, there will be no "explicit" scenes, and no "serious" hooking up, as these are supposed to be the _WORST_ lines Naruto has ever heard.

P.S. Bonus pickup line from Shino: "As a bug expert, I think I should examine your fly." Oh, and Gaara: "The voice in my head told me to come over here and talk to you ..."


	3. Part 3: Jiraiya

**PICKUP NO JUTSU**

Part Three: Jiraiya

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Naruto left Konoha feeling pretty depressed. 

Sasuke had reacted in a completely psychotic way in response to Naruto's "commitment issues" (they had never been dating!), and ended up flouncing off to Orochimaru, a man who Sasuke claimed "treated him like every Uchiha princess deserves". The aftermath not only resulted in Sasuke nearly ripping out Naruto's heart (literally), but also sending Orochimaru's minions to brutally take down the other "retrieval whores", including Neji - who was dying of cancer!

Naruto knew Sasuke was special - REALLY special - but he'd been way over-dramatic. That didn't stop Naruto from wanting to bring him back and explain things though, for if there's one thing that a future Hokage isn't, it's a tease. Sasuke's accusation severely marred Naruto's reputation, probably even more than having a Weapon of Mass Destruction in his belly. Plus ... Naruto didn't want to admit it, but Sasuke was a much better kisser than Neji (Kami bless his soul).

Sadly, Naruto had bigger problems that Sasuke's bitch fit. This group called Akatsuki wanted to "get inside him" in the worst of ways, and they didn't take "no" for an answer. Talk about stranger danger! The wackiest of these wackos was none other than Sasuke's big brother Itachi. If Sasuke was a little clingy, Itachi was a full-out, batshit obsessed stalker. This made it next to impossible for Naruto to be safe from dudes jumping his bones no matter where or how he hid.

The solution to this mess, as proposed by Tsunade-baa-chan, was to saddle Naruto off with the straightest man she knew, her former teammate Jiraiya. And so, after many tearful goodbyes (especially to poor, _poor _Neji - Naruto later sent flowers to the Hyuuga family, though Hinata ended up intercepting them before they could be placed on Neji's "grave" and ate them), Naruto was off on a thee-year long quest to grow strong enough to defend himself against Akatsuki's perverted advances AND beat the knowledge that he wasn't a tease into Sasuke.

Unfortunately, Tsunade had greatly underestimated Naruto's propensity to turn nearly any man into a Narutosexual.

Granted, Jiraiya was stronger in the Female-loving Force than most. He resisted bravely, throwing himself at woman after woman in the name of the cause ... but in the end, he too succumbed. It began with a desire to "observe" Naruto's seal for changes. Repeatedly.

"I'm pretty sure it's changing this time," Jiraiya intoned mysteriously. "I think I am going to have to inspect a bit closer."

For some indiscernible reason, Naruto was eventually required to be naked for these check-ups. Naruto wasn't exacly the sharpest shuriken in the pouch, but when "medical" massages on the seal with the Ero-sennin's tongue became mandatory, he got a bit suspicious.

"I think you're taking advantage of me!" Naruto finally declared during one session.

"You don't say," Jiraiya deadpanned. "Where would you have _ever _gotten the idea that I don't respect proper boundaries when it comes to those I'm sexually interested in."

Naruto was furious, and not even for himself. "You're such an ero-bastard! What about those other girls - Mariko-chan and Eri-chan and Sa-chan and Kaede-chan and ..." Naruto went on for about fifteen minutes. "You promised them that you loved them! Well, you whispered it to them as you peeked from 50 feet away! How could you treat a lady - well, ladies - like that?! Not even honoring your love - you should be _ashamed_."

Jiraiya grinned like a pimp. "All those other girls... They were just rough drafts. You, baby, you're the final copy!"

"..." Naruto didn't know enough words to express his disgust and disappointment, so he setted for: "You jerk!" He slapped every part of Jiraiya that was touching him (there were a lot) away viciously and yanked his pants back up.

"At least I'm not a_ tease_," Jiraiya coughed unsubtly, giving Naruto a dark look.

Naruto's eyes flashed red as he growled. "What was that?!"

Jiraiya pulled down an eyelid and stuck his tongue out. "I said, 'No wonder Sasuke left, you Frigid. Fox. Fag.'"

And that was how Jiraiya learned about Naruto's four-tailed state.

* * *

NEXT PART: Orochimaru! 


	4. Part 4: Orochimaru

**Warnings: **In addition to anything you might expect with Orochimaru/Naruto, this chapter has allusions to incest.

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**PICKUP NO JUTSU**

Part Four: Orochimaru

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Uzumaki Naruto felt like an idiot of Kage-sized proportions.

Our hero, a shinobi capable of blasting through boulders with his Rasengan, raising armies with his Taijuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and changing the coldest of hearts with his shit-eating smiles and passionate promises, had been foiled by three simple words and one large, red button.

_Do Not Push._

His enemies were clearly buying into the K.I.S.S. philosophy of ninja: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Or perhaps they modified it slightly to better apply to Naruto: Keep It Stupid, Simple…ton.

In any case, the ingenious (ungenious? antigenious?) trap led to the situation Naruto was in now … struggling futilely against the leather straps that bound him facedown to the one and only Snake Sannin's bed. Each desperate attempt to get free only resulted in the orange leather hot pants Kabuto dressed him in after his sponge bath tightening over his prominently displayed ass. He tried to twist his head around so he could at least see his captor, to no avail.

"Damn it!" he cursed, cheeks flushed in shame, tiny tears sparkling in the corners of his eyes. "What do you want, Snake-bastard? Just kill me if that's what you're after!"

Something that felt an awful lot like a hand firmly grabbed onto Naruto's left buttocks and squeezed before going around unbutton Naruto's trousers. As the hand pulled them down, a long, hot tongue licked a wet trail from the nape of Naruto's neck down to the dip of his back.

"_Kukukuku_," Orochimaru giggled sinisterly. "How would you like me to lick your seal from the _inside_, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto whimpered, terri-fucking-fied out of his mind, but also somehow … turned on?! He was sick. He was disgusting. He was … _HOLY RAMEN!_

Later on, after Jiraiya rescued his dumbass apprentice, Naruto thought thoughts that were deeper than the usual thoughts he thought. Maybe … Sasuke hadn't been so blind about Orochimaru after all. But … how would _those _skills help Sasuke against his brother? Unless …?!

Naruto's face flushed redder than a Sharingan. He was sick. He was disgusting. He stuck his hands down his pants.

* * *

NEXT (AND FINAL!) PART: Uchiha Itachi!

A/N: I've not abandoned this! So I tell myself. Argh, it's not even like the chapters are long, I've just been overwhelmed with RL and my Naruto muse has been very Straight as of late. In any case, thank you for reading!

P.S. Bonus Pickup Line from Kakashi: "So Naruto, since you've been off training for three years, you should tell me about yourself so I can know, as your sensei, if anything has changed -- stuff like your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number."

And from Sai: "Being competent and my penis ... Both are hard for you."


	5. Part 5: Itachi

**Warnings: **Implied spoilers for Chapter 402 in the manga.

* * *

**PICKUP NO JUTSU**

Part Five: Itachi

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The world was just beginning to blur in and out of focus just enough for Naruto to relax. He was, as he had been nearly every night since Sasuke came back to Konoha, as drunk as a skunk. It seemed that every male – save, thank God, for Iruka – he'd ever met had chosen that week to confess their undying, homosexual love for him.

Now, Naruto had been deprived of love for most of his life, and with his optimism, he could sort of look at the situation as a kind of karma – a very, very _gay _karma. His mail box was filled with rainbow and sparkly love notes, and he was chased around town by his rabid fan club, who had all taken to wearing orange and lurking at Ichiraku. He'd seen some horrifying things lately that could never be erased from his mind, such as Kiba and a human-shifted Akamaru attempting to dynamically mark him as theirs, Gai and Lee tying him down with bandages and offering him the youthful opportunity to tame their burning beasts, or Yamato-taichou revealing his "other" wood technique. The worst, if possible, was that closet-pervert Ebisu masturbating right in front of him and bellowing, "Imagine that, inside of you! I do, every day! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" while the Konohamaru Corps looked on.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg! Sasuke was continuously spouting bullshit like, "If you don't let me take off your pants, I might run away, become evil and try to destroy Konoha … AGAIN!!" with his stupid _mwahahahaha_-ing face and trendy clothing, and Naruto couldn't just let Sakura, not to mention his beloved village, down!

Neji, miraculously, was still alive, though he confessed that Naruto's Kyuubi-enhanced semen was the antidote to his cancer, and it had to be administered with increasing frequency, which made no sense, but then, many things made no sense to Naruto.

Jiraiya, on the other hand, was dead.

"I just … I wish he were here. Even though he was a stupid – _hiccup _– pervert and kept doing stuff to me when I was sleeping and making me wear – _hiccup _– transform into a naked girl, he was the best sensei I've ever had, and the one with the biggest – _hiccup _– kunai. I never even told him that he was one of my precious people … I miss him so much!"

"He's kicked the bucket, get over it. You're a shinobi, aren't you?" the (thankfully) female barmaid deadpanned. She hadn't gotten lucky in over a month, and this brat was complaining about too much penis? If he hadn't been a paying customer, she'd be shoving a high-heeled shoe into the vicinity of his apparently much sought-after ass. "If you can't, you should just join him in death."

Naruto's big, cerulean eyes filled with tears. "Wh-what?"

"She's right, you know," a cool voice murmured, inches away from Naruto's ear.

Naruto nearly fell out of his barstool as he looked upon the visage of the man who had interrupted: a decaying Uchiha Itachi, donning a tattered Akatsuki cloak, was standing before him.

"But you're dead!" Naruto screamed, jumping to his feet.

"Yes." Itachi's nod was graceful, except for the part where one of his eyes fell out and rolled on the floor, coming to a stop against Naruto's sandals.

Naruto bent down and picked it up, offering it back to the undead nin. "I think you dropped this."

Itachi plopped the eye back into his skull with a horrible squelching noise. "Thank you, Naruto-kun."

"You're welcome," Naruto replied good-naturedly. "Wait a minute – WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

"I've had my eye on you," Itachi began, but then he paused, looking dissatisfied with himself. "Hold on, I practiced what I was going to say to you, so pretend this is the first thing you heard me say." He coughed lightly, darkened blood spattering rotting hand. "So, now that rigor mortis has set in, I can go all night long."

Naruto looked around at the bar to see if anyone else was freaking the fuck out, but business carried on as though a zombie Uchiha wasn't lounging around in Konoha's midst. Naruto sighed. He didn't care anymore. "Okay, dead aside, aren't you … weren't you … whatever … like evil and trying to kill me?"

"Firstly, didn't Sasuke explain to you how noble and saintly I really was?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I think he said something like that, but I didn't understand it too well. It just didn't seem to make sense! Something like you were torturing and killing and doing really evil things, but for Sasuke and maybe even Konoha, right?"

A smiling (Naruto was _this _close to wetting himself) Itachi shuffled even closer, looking hopeful. "Yes, killing and torture is the way Uchiha say, 'I love you,' which answers your second question."

Some part of Naruto (possibly the part with the giant, mass-murdering fox) was actually swooning at the Uchiha's declaration. The rest of him wanted to be holding something lethal, like a flame-thrower. "Uh …" he stammered.

Only one thing was certain: this was a Thriller, Thriller Night.

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A/N: The end, I don't care if it was dumb! It took over four months to write three thousand words, which I think is a testament to how out of the writing loop I am. Luckily, I am going to work hard this summer at writing more, so if it's not too much trouble, could any readers say which of the following they'd like to see most in a review?

(1) Multi-chaptered AU/Cross-over with One Piece. Basically Naruto set in the One Piece world several generations after the Strawhat Pirates, following Naruto and his pirate crew's journey towards becoming the Pirate King and fulfilling their dreams. Though more friendship-centric, it will have m/f, m/m and f/f. Ninja pirates, yeah!

(2) One-shot. Naruto – in Sexy no Jutsu form – and Ino are assigned to an infiltration mission to the hottest party on the planet: the Lightning Country Daimyo daughter's Super Sweet 16 Birthday Extravaganza. Things get complicated when sexual tension rises between the two blondes, who are _supposed _to be posing as sisters. Ino/Naruto.

(3) Possible multi-chaptered. After defeating Madara/Sasuke coming back to Konoha, Naruto travels the world for fifteen years as Toad Sennin in tribute to Jiraiya. When he returns home at last, he gains the interest of a certain Uchiha … Sasuke and Sakura's pink-haired, Sharingan-wielding son, Ikuto.

(4) One-shot. Takes place during Naruto's training trip with Jiraiya, in which Naruto makes friends with prostitutes, impresses a woman who can start and end wars on a whim, and realizes some things about his feelings towards Sasuke and Sakura (mostly Sasuke, in the gay way).

(5) One-shot. Gai and Kakashi get drunk and decide to match-make their teams. Naruto/Tenten, Lee/Sakura and Neji/Sai.


End file.
